I decided not to try to work with Kastani this morning because I was just too tired. It’s important to recognize my own limitations. And I am so filled with doubts about what’s going on between Kastani and I that I feel the need to gain some clarification before continuing on.
The first question I asked Theresa:
Is Kastani on board with being my demo horse/dance partner for this two week workshop.
Theresa got very quiet. Then began translating for Kastani - he said - he doesn’t feel like it’s the right time for me to be doing this. He says I’m still recovering from and processing my Mother’s death and that I need to rest.
It’s funny, I had a feeling he was trying to get me to stop but I didn’t know why. Someday I’ll learn to trust my instincts and listen deeper.
I explained to him that the course is already going and that I feel I have no choice but to continue. I explained that he’s right. I should be taking time to grieve but it’s time I just don’t have. I have to work to generate income, especially since I took so much time during Mom’s illness…. I also explained that spending time with him is hugely supportive for me. I just really enjoy being with him.
He said that he still wanted me to take time and we’d have to feel it out from day to day. He explained that when I am properly resourced and feeling good I have a certain energy and way of being that he really enjoys interacting with because things just flow between us. He was unwilling to compromise on working with me when I’m not in that flow.
Good for him! I love this horse SO much!
He says that if I take care of myself properly I’m welcome to keep showing up and testing the water. When I am back in flow he’ll happily join me in whatever I want to do for the class.
The second question I asked:
I felt he was perhaps irritated that I had started over instead of picking up where we left off. He confirmed that was indeed the case. He gets frustrated with perpetually starting over. This is so helpful as it gives me a clear path forward with him.
The third question:
I shared about experimenting with the bits and working in the halter. He says he prefers the bit I always use with him and confirmed that he uses the bit to help him work things out in his body. He really does not like me doing work in hand in the halter. It does not give him the input to his body that he needs.
Is he on board with my plan of riding him again. He said an enthusiastic yes! He wants to ride with me. He is excited about it and reminded me of something he said when he was young - he still sees his purpose as doing tricks that make people laugh. He says we’re not there yet but he’s looking forward to it!
He has such a sense of humor! :-)
So excited to move forward from here! I have a renewed sense of confidence and purpose.